Tips for Staying Alive

Want to survive? Well here are some tips for doing just that. It’s not going to be easy or fun. And sometimes you stop and wonder if it’s even worth it. I can’t tell you the answer to that, only you know how much you value your life.

Tip #1

Don’t hang out with cripples.

Sure they’ve been your best friend since first grade but they are going to slow you down. When a cyborg comes running at you and you have to wait for gimpy, well…at least you died with your best friend, right?

Tip #2

Get used to being hungry.

It’s going to happen a lot. Full meals are a rare occurrence. You can’t let the hunger ruin your judgement. People do some crazy stuff for food but it’s only going to get you killed. On the bright-side, at least you won’t be hungry anymore. Because you’ll be dead.

Tip #3

Learn how to run.

You should probably get in shape, you know, so you can outrun robots.

Tip #4

Stop caring about people. Quick.

Caring about people will get you in the most amount of trouble. You go looking for people, you try to save people, you die. Don’t be a hero.

Tip #5

Travel lightly.

Don’t have a lot of stuff with you. You don’t need Grandma’s teapot. You will never have a teapot. You also don’t need the silver collection, no one is going to be bartering with you. If you can’t eat it, wear it, or use it to help you survive, you don’t need it.

Tip #6

Stick to small numbers

Don’t take your entire immediate family with you. Groups of three are about the biggest you should get. If you get too many people, the cyborgs will be there and then you just killed your entire family. Congrats. No “Best Child of the Year” award for you, ass-hat.

Tip #7

You can’t overthrow the cyborgs.

No, really. You can’t. Stop trying. You’re just pissing them off. It’ s like if you started poking a lion with a stick in an attempt to kill it. Who ends up dying? Oh, right. YOU.

Tip #8

Enjoy the smell of you body odor. It’s not going away.

Yeah, that’s right. You’re going to be disgusting. And you will not have a lot of chances to change that. You’re a refugee living in the woods off of tree bark. So get your snobby nose out of the air and get used to the smell of your sweat.

That pretty much sums up how you can just stay alive, maybe. There’s no fool-proof way to do it. Eventually, they will catch us all and that’ s the sad truth. The time for uprising has come and gone and now we’re just the ants scrambling around on the sidewalk after the anthill was destroyed. At some point, they all die too.

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